Wonderbrats
by vacant houses
Summary: Crack fic. The TMNTs' lives are ruined when their home is invaded by hundreds of mutant babies they supposedly fathered. Third place 2011 Comedy award and Second place in the Strangest Scene category. Now complete with an explosion.
1. So adorable the Shredder wants one

TMNT are not mine.

There is no polite way of putting it, I'm quite frankly sick of TMNT miracle babies. That being said, I do have a fic in the works that has the TMNT dealing with kids (this is not The Wrong Choice). It's realistic first off so it's dark and it's angsty and it certainly isn't happy lalalala babies like everyone seems to write. There's a lot more to consider than oooh, babies are adorable, suddenly let's stop making sense with the fic and just focus on babies.

So here's crack to tide you over before I write a fic that will hopefully make you never look at TMNT kids the same way again. You been warned.

There will be lots of mentions of TMNT naughty bits in this fic. These naughty bits are probably not going to be the naughty bits that you're used to. That's right, they're realistic, coming out of the turtle's tail naughty bits. Why are you looking so shocked? That's where normal turtles have them. Not this weird got-a-slit-in-the-plastron nonsense. I can't even comprehend the changes necessary to move them from inside the tail to the plastron but it must have been excruciatingly painful. And don't tell me they were always there in the first place because then the turtles would have been mutants before they even came into contact with the mutagen.

Oh yes and there will be swearing.

* * *

><p>A group of Foot ninja were performing their weekly random evil patrol across the city. They leapt from rooftop to rooftop, silently sweeping across the nightscape as they searched for groups of innocent girls that they could kidnap for…whatever random purpose the Shredder had need for them. He always needed random girls for random reasons. It wasn't the place for his minions to question him but sometimes they really wondered when the purpose of their glorious clan had side-tracked into…well, it clearly was pedophilia. Which was strange given that their master was an alien.<p>

A tentacle alien.

…..

Maybe not so strange after all.

As the last ninja prepared itself (all members of the Foot clan were androgynous) for the next jump onto one of the non-descript rooftops, it tripped over something that certainly hadn't been there a second ago but had materialised through sheer ninja skill alone.

That something was a baby.

Not only was it a baby, but it was absolutely adorable. If the Foot ninja had eyes, they would have been glistened over as it suffered from an overwhelming attack of cute. Unfortunately, cuteness is fatal to Foot ninjas and the warrior collapsed on the spot.

The rest of the squad members were much luckier, as they looped back one of them tossed a smoke pellet and, in an impromptu lesson of moving without sight, the small child was quickly covered in a cloth. Why a Foot ninja was carrying round a random piece of material was a closely guarded clan secret, they used them for spontaneous midnight picnics in Central Park where they sacrificed a live chicken to the moon god and prayed for success in their battles against their reptilian enemies.

Well…it wasn't a group of young girls. But the child was definitely a baby mutant turtle and something worth investigating. The ninjas gathered their fallen comrade and the small child and headed back to headquarters.

* * *

><p>The Hamato household was in one of its rare lulls. There had no alien invasions to fight off, no run-ins with a certain government agent, the Foot clan had been quiet for a while now and even the Purple Dragons had been lying low.<p>

All in all, they were a week overdue for their daily weirdness.

As the family chilled out in front of the television, they weren't all too surprised to hear the door to the lair open, even though April was off visiting her sister and Casey…was off-well, no one really cared about what Casey did. He wasn't important to the grand scheme of things. Stupid Casey.

Anyway the door to the lair opened and a young woman walked in. Actually, make that two. Three. Eight. Twenty five. All freakishly good looking and had massive knockers. Wait, was that a female turtle? There were seven of them. And each and every woman had at least five children. Half-human, half turtle kids or completely mutant turtle children.

So, basically a whole flood of woman and babies poured into the lair without even setting off a single alarm. The Hamato clan blinked once.

Dumbly.

"The fuck?" Raphael muttered eventually as his family struggled to comprehend the sheer level of WTF-ery that was occurring that morning. Even Splinter failed to admonish Raphael for his language as his brain ineffectively tried to compute the scene before him.

"Um, excuse me," Leo said hesitantly as he bravely stood up to address the crowd. "Just who are you and how did you get inside our home?"

The women immediately began to talk at once and Leo held up his hand as he was blasted by a roar of noise. "One at a time please!" he snapped. He pointed at a random woman, who had sparkly pink hair and purple eyes and was eying Donatello in a strange, lustful manner, "You, go first."

"I am Violet!" the pink haired wonder exclaimed, "Don't you remember showing me the way to your top secret lair?"

"I-what?" Leo snuck a horrified look at his family, surely they didn't believe that he, Leonardo Hamato would ever commit such a breach in their ninja code! "I don't even know you!"

"Yes you do, you rescued me a couple of months ago."

Leo blinked as he reviewed the woman before him. She was vaguely familiar but… "I did rescue you….from a dark alleyway," he admitted slowly as the memory returned. "I still don't understand how the sidewalk managed to gobble your stiletto up but that's beside the point. The thing is I rescued you very stealthily, because I'm a NINJA, and you didn't catch a glimpse of me. And I certainly didn't show you the way to our lair. And where did you get all these babies from?" a slight note of hysteria entered Leo's voice as he realised just how many of the brats there were in the lair. He already had three of them to look after and they were more than enough.

"These are my kids, Granite, Photosynthesis, Multicellular, Algorithm and Positron. And I'm here to see my men," she pointed a finger at Don…then Mikey…then Raph and finally Leo himself. "Four of my kids here was fathered by one of you but all of you fathered Positron."

Immediately the other woman began to speak up, with shouts of, "No, there are MY men!"

"Donatello didn't father your kids, you whore! He fathered my babies!"

"No! Mine!"

As it degenerated to an all-out argument, Splinter raised one dubious eyebrow at his sons that immediately spoke of BIG TROUBLE. "Enough!" he said and the room fell silent. "I will have a private word with my sons. You may wait for us…outside our home as you have intruded here and are not our guests. If we may, can we get a tally of how many babies belong to which son?"

* * *

><p>"What," the Shredder began in an incredulous voice, "Is this?"<p>

The Foot ninja carefully presenting the turtle child shrugged and said nothing, since all Foot ninja were mute. It was a rare genetic defect that struck all people who dressed in black pyjamas and ran around on rooftops. New initiates to the clan foolishly believed that the moon god sacrifice brought it on. Idiots.

Karai approached the baby and intensely inspected the infant. At last, she looked up and concluded, "This is a baby mutant turtle. A female baby turtle apparently."

The Shredder snorted at her reply, "I know THAT," he said, complete with eye rolling. Except, his helmet screened out his pupils so no one could actually tell that he was rolling his eyes. What a waste of effort. "I mean, why is it so…adorable?"

As soon as the word left his mouth, hell froze over. "Yes she is," Karai said, gazing at the child with the beginnings of a faint maternal feeling stirring inside her. "I think…we should keep her."

Ordinarily the Shredder would have reprimanded Karai for speaking out of turn but he was in complete agreement with her here. "Yes, I will bring this child up in the ways of the Foot clan! Karai, say hello to your adopted sister…Athena."

"That's a lovely name!" Doctor Chaplin piped up, from whichever dark corner he'd been hiding in all this time.

"So, we're going to bring this kid up to fight the turtles?" Hun suggested…he'd materialised from….well, there were no dark corners to hide him and yet he clearly hadn't been in the room seconds before.

Karai, the Shredder and Chaplin stared at Hun. "Of course not," the Shredder said slowly, as though speaking to an idiot. "Athena will have no part in such things. She will have lots of teddy bears and tea parties, none of this weapon training nonsense."

As the Shredder began to tenderly attend to his new child, Karai left the room, a plot for maternity already brewing in her heart.


	2. So adorable there are 359 of them

TMNT are not mine.

There will be lots of mentions of TMNT naughty bits in this fic. These naughty bits are probably not going to be the naughty bits that you're used to. That's right, they're realistic, coming out of the turtle's tail naughty bits. Why are you looking so shocked? That's where normal turtles have them. Not this weird got-a-slit-in-the-plastron nonsense. I can't even comprehend the changes necessary to move them from inside the tail to the plastron but it must have been excruciatingly painful. And don't tell me they were always there in the first place because then the turtles would have been mutants before they even came into contact with the mutagen.

Oh yes and there will be swearing.

* * *

><p>"Three hundred and fifty nine," Donatello muttered as he slumped exhaustedly into the dojo. "How did we manage to knock up that many women without knowing? The amount of time alone required-"<p>

"Stop. Talking." Raphael ordered, already distressed by the number.

Splinter coughed and his sons snapped to attention. "About that my sons," the elderly rat began, "When exactly did this happen?"

The turtles exchanged blank looks. "Sensei, we have no idea," Leonardo protested.

Their master sighed and glanced wearily at the door, beyond which the crowd of woman and babies teemed. "My sons, normally I would not pry into your private affairs but in the face of the evidence out there…"

"What I want to know is why so many of them are Don's," Michelangelo piped up. "Two hundred and eleven, what's up with that?"

"Mikey, you are welcome to claim all of them from me if you wish," the aforementioned turtle muttered darkly. "This is someone's idea of a cosmic joke."

"I'm just saying bro," Mikey replied frankly, "You are such a man-whore."

As Don blinked dumbly at his brother's words, Raph and Leo choked in laughter…well Leo just choked at the mental images conjured by that statement.

"I'm a-what?" Don demanded furiously.

"Man-whore," Mikey repeated, "Just look at you. All sciencey and nerdy and turtlery. Doesn't he just scream slut to you?"

Raph eyed his brother up and down, something that Don found immensely disturbing; and nodded in agreement, "Definitely a sex magnet. When thousands of women go to sleep at night, I bet you they all dream of His Nerdiness over here."

"And that would be a bad thing how?" Don asked tartly.

Raph gave a grand wave at the lair door and bowed mockingly. "Well, the two hundred and eleven babies in honour of your sexual prowess just might be a bad thing. Or it may-"

"Raphael," Splinter cut in smoothly and his sons composed themselves once more, "You have not answered me. Why and when did this happen?"

The four turtle exchanged reluctant glances and drew in on themselves, unwilling to answer the question.

"I can tell you how it happened!" Violet exclaimed happily as she leant into the dojo.

"How the hell did she get in here?" Don asked, recoiling slightly as she gave him a sultry wink. "I just reset the security system!"

"Oh it was easy," she said dismissively, "I'm a ninja after all."

"A ninja who somehow managed to get her leg trapped by an alleyway," Leo mumbled under his breath as he tried to ignore her large bouncing bosom as she sashayed into the room.

"Well," Violet said as she settled easily on the floor by the mutants, "I will explain how my children were conceived since you're all too scared to give your father the birds and the bees talk."

"Please don't," Mikey spoke up quickly. "It's bad enough to discover that we apparently had sex with you. If I'm going to learn the details of how it happened, I don't want my father in the room."

"Michelangelo," Master Splinter reprimanded, "You all had a chance to explain yourselves. Perhaps Miss Violet will be able to give me the answers I seek."

"Well, you see, after Leo saved me from that dreadful alleyway we then had wild monkey sex right there-"

"Or perhaps she will not," Splinter amended, levelling a glare at Leonardo. "I see I'll need to have a conversation with some of my children."

"But-Master Splinter, I didn't-" Leonardo protested as his brothers sniggered loudly.

"Leo you have no class!" Raph chuckled. "An alleyway. Jesus Christ, was the garbage a turn on?"

"I admit, the experience was somewhat dampened by the stench of rubbish but all in all, it was-"

"I did not have sex with you!" Leo snapped, "I helped you then I vanished into the shadows like any competent ninja would have!"

"That was some help," Michelangelo injected as he erupted into a fit of giggles. "A lot of help. Enough help that it turned into a baby."

Violet's eyes softened in remembrance, "Of course it was nothing compared to the wild ride Raphael gave me."

The turtle in question started to swell in pride before that statement fully penetrated his brain. "Excuse me-what? Lady, I hadn't seen you before today. And I did not father any of your children. And none of the ones out there either!"

As all of Raphael's brothers chuckled at his predicament, Violet leaned forward, a deranged smile on her face. "You, sweetness, had me on your bike! With your chain weapon things to stop me from falling off. Sadly, I'm yet to find a place that sells me those things because I damn well need them. And then a couple of months later, out popped Algorithm with his thick built muscles and a vocabulary of over seventy swear words."

"A baby with muscles?" Raphael spluttered incoherently.

"Well, you've got to admit, somehow that's how I always imagined any child of Raph's would come into the world," Mikey commented. "Fully ripped and with an attitude problem."

"It's not mine! You think I'd sleep with a crazy bitch like her, especially after Leo already did her?"

Don and Mikey exchanged glances while a mentally scared Splinter closed his eyes and tried to cauterise the bleeding. "Raph…has a point," Don admitted. "Are you sure that was Raph?"

"And not Leo," Mikey added in maliciously, "He might have been exploring his kinks for red bandanas and motorbikes. Goodness knows how many of them he has, dirty alleyways…garbage…"

"Oh it was his hotness," Violet said with a satisfied grin, "Made me wear a leather cat-suit and a collar and boy did we have fun with that collar."

All four turtles began to feel ill at that statement, with Leo going so far to retreat mentally within himself to protect his brain from further damage. "Let me establish something," Raphael snarled, "That. Did. Not. Happen."

"Course it did, sweet cheeks, how the hell do you think I got Algorithm?"

"No, you're not understanding something," Raph snapped, "That baby can't be mine. And you know why? Because we never had sex."

Violet raised an eyebrow. "Uh-huh, boy, are you scared of commitment. I totally slept with you."

"No, you didn't!" Raph said with a frustrated growl. "If you and I had sex, I highly doubt that you'd been able to walk, much less give birth after that! A turtle's penis is half the length of their body!"

As Raphael's brothers winced as he let slip that piece of information, Violet's eyes widened with a thoughtful look. "Really? Huh, that's strange; you were a monster for sure, but not that big a monster."

"Well, the turtle you fucked to get that baby? Wasn't me."

"Or any of us for that matter," Donatello chimed in. "Our celibacy is a forced state. Humans just aren't compatible with us."

"Huh," Violet said, "My loss, quite clearly. Do you get giraffes to give you fellatio?"

"Look, I'm just disturbed by the fact that there are a whole bunch of women out there who claim to have our kids when such a thing is damn impossible. Who the hell are these jokers running about knocking them up in our name and image?" Raph snarled.

His brothers glanced at each other as they realised that Raph had raised a valid point. "What a bunch of dicks," Mikey exclaimed.

"And small ones at that," Violet added.

* * *

><p>Yeah, I've been wanting to throw the monster turtle penis somewhere into a fic for a long time...<p> 


	3. So adorable it doesn't make sense

TMNT are not mine.

I'm probably not going to be updating this crack fic as often, as I have another fic that I'm working on at the moment. I enjoy challenging the stereotypical plots used in the TMNT fandom, which is mainly why I write crack fics. Virus and Shadowpuppet were a challenge to write a good fic with TMNT chi powers. This other fic that I'm working on is a serious attempt to use some of these commonly used and abused themes and write them with realistic consequences and so it's probably not going to be everyone's cup of tea.

* * *

><p>"Father?" Karai stood hesitantly in the Shredder's private chambers. "You're late for the weekly evil Think Tank meeting and there are several urgent items on the agenda."<p>

"Yes, yes," the alien muttered distractedly, as he finished changing Athena's diaper. "Go ahead and start without me, Athena and I are going to make patty cakes."

"Patty cakes?" Karai inquired politely, "With Athena?"

The Shredder nodded enthusiastically, bouncing the child on his knee. "Oh yes."

"I see," Karai said, "Can I make patty cakes with Athena as well?"

The leader of the Foot clan snorted and waved Karai away, "No, you have the Think Tank to attend. Athena and I shall have fun baking."

With a markedly disappointed slump to her shoulders, Kari left the room. It wasn't fair! Her father wasn't letting her spend any time with her new sister! Her adorable, turtle-y, scaly sister. Whose mere presence was like sunshine on her soul, who's dirty diapers were full of roses, who's every little action was followed by rainbows and unicorns and cherubs playing on their harps…

Five minutes later…

"Father? Can I please make patty cakes with Athena?"

"Karai, go away! Athena and I are busy!"

Ten minutes later.

"Father please!"

Thirty minutes later.

"Faaather!"

Forty minutes later.

"Master Shredder, the space-ship that we were building has been sabotaged!" Doctor Chaplin exclaimed.

The Shredder looked up from the pictures Athena had been doodling while they waited for the cupcakes to finish baking. "WHAT?" He roared angrily, an obligatory lightening flash in the background. The dramaticness was reduced due to the frilly pink apron he was wearing but no matter. "How could this have happened?"

"Someone set off several explosives in the ship," Chaplin said, wilting under the Shredder's death glare. "We have no idea how they got in there undetected."

"Noooo!" the alien moaned as the last thousand years of work came undone. "This can't be. I wanted to go home so Athena could meet my parents. Now she'll never know her grandparents!"

The Shredder climbed reluctantly to his feet to assess the damage to his space-ship, but a slight movement caught his eye. "What are you doing Karai?" he asked as the ninja made a stealthy lunge for Athena, just as he plucked the baby turtle from her baby chair.

Karai sighed and backed up. "I was going to take care of Athena while you checked on the rocket," she answered miserably.

"Athena will be coming with me," the Shredder growled as he left the room, the baby turtle giggling as she played with the spikes in his armour.

Despair flooded Karai's soul as Athena left. Her father had refused to let her spend any time at all with her baby sister! This could not continue! She'd get her own baby mutant turtle, that'll show him! Yes….a baby turtle….she'd have to seduce one of her blood enemies but it'd be worth it.

A couple of minutes later, Karai was seen leaving the Foot tower dressed skimpily in a sexy leather cat suit.

She shivered in the cold night air as she jumped from rooftop to rooftop…good god, the breeze down there! But she'd endure, for she was going to achieve motherhood! The pinnacle of any ninja's training, parenthood had been a far off dream until she saw Athena.

Karai eventually drew to a halt as she settled onto the cold concrete of an appropriately secluded rooftop. She sank into a meditation trance, ever since she'd first come into contact with Leonardo there had been a connection between them, something that occasionally allowed her to track him down so she could haul him to the Foot's torture chambers. The turtle was a glutton for punishment and completely insatiable.

Soooon, Leonardo would come forth….

* * *

><p>"I hate babies," Don muttered gloomily as he changed his twenty sixth diaper of the day.<p>

Splinter had sent all the human women home but had insisted on keeping the turtle children as letting the women up on the surface with them was a disaster waiting to happen. Then Violet, Raph, Mikey and Leo had taken off to investigate the mystery of the impostors.

Leaving Don to take care of three hundred and fifty nine babies.

He may have supposedly fathered more than half them but really, if this was Splinter's punishment for his alleged promiscuity then Don was going to donate all of them to science. His father had disappeared rather quickly, leaving Don to take care of all of them and any fascination he held for the brats had died. It was a tragedy, all his knowledge of science, literature and ninjitsu and he'd been reduced to taking care of babies. He hadn't seen his brothers for days and all his waking hours were spent playing nanny to a bunch of brats he didn't want. How had this happened? He was a ninja for crying out loud! He was supposed to be running around and beating up bad guys, not endlessly changing nappies.

Oh, the seven female turtles stood around and helped. Occasionally. Most of the time they were checking out his ass and giggling every time he bent over to pick up another one of the brats. It was infuriating. Stupid female baby-machine turtles with no personality and purpose.

"My brothers are douchebags," Don informed the child he was currently managing. "Douchebags, you hear. Repeat after me, Leonardo is a repressed sex monkey. Raphael likes bondage. Michelangelo is-"

"Sweetheart!" one of the turtle women suddenly wailed.

Don blinked dumbly as the woman fell to the floor, almost crushing several babies as she flailed wildly about in distress. This display continued for several minutes until Don finally realised that it wouldn't stop until he did something. Stupid brainless turtle. It was kind of scary the way they needed someone to give them direction.

"What are you doing?" Donatello asked, putting down the child he'd been corrupting.

"I lost Sweetheart!" she sobbed.

"Sweetheart?" honestly, which baby book had all these women been reading? Naming children for dummies?

"She was your baby," the turtle sniffed. "But I think Leo's sperm must have been hanging around when she was conceived because she was born with ninjitsu skills and a strong spiritual force."

"And…you lost her?"

"Ever since she was born, she'd sneak off the moment I took my eyes of her, always wanting to practice her stealth techniques. But we must get her back, she has enough chi power to destroy the world with a Spirit Bomb!"

Don frowned at the turtle, who seemed to have a severe case of brain damage. "How old is this baby?"

"Oh, she was born three days ago."

"I see," Don glanced round the lair cautiously; Splinter was nowhere in sight, just the babies milling about and the turtle women gazing at him hopefully. This was his chance. "Now look, I'm going to go find your baby-"

"Can we come?" all the turtle women immediately spoke up.

"Shh!" Don hissed, "All of you will stay here and look after the kids, okay? I'm going to find your brat. If my brothers come back or Splinter asks, tell them I'm off saving the world."

And with that, Donatello snuck out of the lair to much wanted freedom. Psh, like he was going to look for a world destroying baby. As far as he was concerned, he'd had enough of them to last a lifetime.


	4. So adorable Karai needs one

TMNT are not mine.

Miracle babies. Crack. Nuff said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on the other side of town…<p>

Karai sighed as she sank into yet another meditation trance. Leonardo still hadn't showed up, her butt was numb and she was definitely suffering from hypothermia. Honestly, what was that turtle doing that was so important? Surely his ninjitsu abilities could detect the love vibes she was sending out. There had to be a ninja turtle running around New York with a raging hard on.

….well, if it was anything like jumping rooftops with a cat-suit on then she could understand his difficulty making his way over here.

The sound of light footsteps reached her and Karai perked. Finally! She readied the tranquilizer gun she'd brought with her and quickly climbed to her feet. Her keen ninja eyes picked up the bulky shape of a shadow moving across the rooftops and she shot a sedative at the hapless mutant.

With a cry of surprise, he crashed to the ground. As the turtle groaned in pain, Karai adopted a sexy strut as she approached him.

"Hello Leonardo," she purred.

"Karai?" Donatello spluttered incredulously, "Wha-what are you doing? And why are you dressed like_ that_?"

"Donatello?" the ninja blinked dumbly as she quickly mentally recalculated her options. This wasn't Leonardo...but a baby mutant turtle was a baby mutant turtle regardless of heritage. "What are you doing here?"

"I," Don said tartly, "Was running around on the rooftops and escaping from endless babysitter duties when you ever so rudely decided to sedate me. Now, back to my question which I asked first by the way. What are you doing?"

"My father has recently adopted a baby turtle," Karai replied, "And he has become so obsessed with her that I don't get to spend any time with her myself. So, I want a baby turtle of my own."

Don gaped at her for several seconds. "Let me guess this straight, you want to have a turtle kid," he said, "With LEO?"

Karai sniffed delicately. "I hoped for Leonardo but you are an acceptable substitute."

"With ME?" the turtle squeaked, "Why me? Do I have a sign on my shell that says I totally need kids or my life isn't complete?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Karai replied, "You are merely Leonardo's replacement in this situation, nothing more."

"Gee thanks," Don muttered, "May I point out that I have no desire to father any children with you?"

Karai paused and evaluated the turtle in front of her. "Do you know," she began, "What the ultimate purpose of a ninja is?"

"Strike from the shadows, fight for honour," Don replied with an arched eyebrow.

"Oh that," the Foot ninja gave a dismissive shrug as she tittered at the turtle's naivety, "That's what they tell those who have not completed their training and are new to the arts of ninjitsu."

"Oh?" Don watched her with a dubious frown.

"Oh yes," Karai said with a smug grin, "They dedicate their lives to honing their skills, strengthening their minds and bodies but the simple truth is this: to master ninjitsu, it only requires parenting a child."

Don raised his head incredulously; the sedative had worn off during their conversation. "Are you serious?" he demanded. "All I need to do is have a child?"

Karai nodded and stood back from the turtle as he climbed to his feet. "You may not believe me, but I will give you access to the Foot's most sacred scrolls which have all the information regarding our clan's ancient master level techniques. There you will find the truth!"

Don paused for a brief moment, considering what he was about to do. A child with Karai. Karai who was their enemy. Karai who was…looking incredibly sexy in that cat-suit. Damn, why was it so hot? They were on top of an exposed rooftop after all.

Godammit, supposedly there were two hundred and eleven little Dons. They definitely weren't his but if his family was going to continue to force them onto him, then-oh yes, he was going to going to do this. This baby would definitely be his, one that was undeniably of his flesh and blood, one that was his choice and it would be the only child that he'd ever acknowledge as being of the line of Don-highness.

Yes. This was the best plan ever.


	5. So adorable the Foot go to Disneyland

TMNT are not mine.

DeeMG finished Scepters and Strategies, an awesome fic that she's kept going for about two years and one that I highly recommend.

Crack. Like, extreme crack. Delving into the area of not-being crack and more WTF is this? You have been warned, there's disturbing stuff below.

* * *

><p>The Shredder stewed furiously as the elevator carried him up to his office. His space-ship had been destroyed! His plans to escape this backwater planet had been pushed back for several years! He'd been so angry at his minions that he'd been forced to send them to Disneyland for three week holidays-<p>

Wait a second, why hadn't he killed them all for their failure?

Athena gurgled happily in his arms and the Shredder calmed, oh that was right, his Foot ninja had been working too hard and needed a break. They would return refreshed and enthusiastic for work, their morale really needed boosting especially since they hadn't made any headway in their war with that blasted turtle clan. Not to mention he'd given Chaplin explicit instructions to bring back as many toys for Athena as he could.

The elevator stopped and he headed for his office. As he drew near the door, he was surprised to hear Karai's voice.

"So, do you believe me now?" his adopted daughter asked.

"I do," the voice….it couldn't be!

The Shredder snarled angrily and dramatically smashed through his office door. It occurred to him just how much he'd behaved like Hun right then and he quickly attempted to affix the sad remains of the door to its hinges using one hand only.

It didn't work.

He shuffled awkwardly in front of the damage for a couple of seconds as Karai and Donatello stared at him. Eventually, he remembered that the turtle was his blood enemy and the Shredder struck a threatening pose as he seized the situation up, Karai and Donatello had been looking at several of the most secret master level ninjitsu techniques of the Foot Clan.

"You!" the utrom roared, "Have dared to invade my chambers! You will now suffer a fate worse than-yes Athena?"

The baby squirmed in the Shredder's arms and the two locked eyes and fell silent. Don eyed the odd exchange with a critical eye. "You weren't kidding about his obsession with the brat," he muttered as he quickly palmed several of the scrolls while Karai wasn't looking.

Without turning her head, Karai calmly reached back and smacked them out of his hands. "I'm beginning to believe that Athena is indeed a goddess. After all, how can something so small be so…adorable?"

"Well, she's certainly got the Shredder wrapped around her little finger, maybe she does have magic powers-oh," Don's voice trailed off in realisation.

"Oh?"

"Where did you get this baby from?"

"Our men found her on patrol, why?"

"NO IT CANNOT BE!" the Shredder screamed abruptly. He lunged for Donatello, the turtle leapt off the desk and the Shredder sliced the priceless papers instead. "I know what you're here for and I will kill you turtle! You cannot have Athena! She's my daughter! Mine!"

"I don't want her!" Don yelped as he duck beneath the Shredder's wild swings. "I really, really, don't! I'm quite happy for you to be her father; I'm actually not here for her at all!"

The Shredder paused and stared unerringly at Donatello. "Are you serious about that?" he asked.

"Um…yes?" Don tensed and prepared himself for the next attack.

"Oh I see," the utrom sank into his chair and began to calmly bounce Athena on his knee. "If you're not here for her, what are you doing here in that case?"

Don blinked. As his brain struggled to comprehend the complete flip in the Shredder's behaviour, Karai calmly stepped forward to address her father. "He and I are going to make a baby," Karai announced.

The Shredder raised an eye-thing (whatever it was that aliens had instead of eyebrows), not that anyone could notice. "Are you now?" he inquired. "And how exactly are planning on doing that? Do you have any idea how large a turtle's penis is, Karai?"

Karai shrugged and frowned in confusion as she glanced at Donatello. "Is the size going to be a problem?" she asked.

Don glanced up as his brain finally switched back on. "Hmm, yes it will be," he said thoughtfully. "Maybe I'll just donate some sperm and the baby will be conceived in vitro."

"Or you could use lots of lube," the Shredder suggested, "And rope."

"Rope?" Karai and Don asked curiously in unison.

"Oh yes," the Shredder said, nodding sagely. He picked up one of the few undamaged scrolls and turned it on its side and then he rummaged inside his desk to find a pencil. He quickly sketched a diagram, "See?"

The two ninja gazed silently at the picture for several moments. "I had no idea you could draw so well," Don said at last.

Inside the robotic body, the alien blushed. "Oh it's a gift, doodling with Athena helped me rediscover my artistic talents."

The three warriors considered the diagram again. "It looks like fun," the Shredder said wistfully.

"Father," Karai began hesitantly, "May we borrow this?"

"Go ahead," the Shredder pointed to a cabinet, "There's some rope over there."

With a speed never displayed before in battle, Karai dragged Donatello from the room. The Shredder watched them go indulgently then he glanced down to the baby turtle on his lap. "Your biological father seems like a nice guy," he told Athena, "Maybe I won't kill him for being so irresponsible and letting you crawl about on rooftops…although I would have never found you if he had been a better father."

Content with her fate and place in the world, Athena the psychic baby wriggled happily and drooled on the Shredder's armour.

* * *

><p>"Would you look at this, it's empty!" Raph snorted as he, Mikey, Leo and Violet came upon yet another vacant alleyway.<p>

"I swear he was here last time!" the woman protested, scuttling down the alley and searching the various garbage dumps.

"You said that the last fifty alleyways we went down!" Raph shot back, settling by the entrance to keep watch. "Are you sure it was a mutant turtle that you screwed and not a regular turtle?"

"Humanoid, wore a bandana and had ninja weapons? Does that sound like a regular turtle to you, Hotness?"

"For the last time, stop calling me that!"

"Can we go home Leo?" Mikey asked as he watched Raph and Violet bicker. "We haven't been home for quite a while now and I'm actually worried about the kids. Don may have, like, used them all in his science experiments."

A wistful look entered Leo's eyes and he started zoning out. "Yeah, I hope he sold them all to Bishop," he mumbled.

"Er…Leo, those were our kids," Mikey replied.

Leo paused and shook himself. "No, they aren't actually," he responded. "They belong to our imposters and we are going to track them down and force them to take responsibility for the children they fathered in our names and image."

"Where would you get a bunch of imposters from?" Mikey mused, watching as Raph and Violet began to make out, "I mean, there are only four mutant turtles in existence and the Utrom mutagen isn't exactly common-place. Do you think Bishop cloned us-HOLY SHIT WHY IS RAPH KISSING THAT WHORE?"

"What?" Mikey let out a scream when he caught sight of Raph-another Raph-the real Raph!- shooting an extremely grumpy look over his shoulder from his sentry position over by the alleyway entrance.

Leo, who'd seized the situation up much faster than Mikey, lunged forward and bodyslammed the not-Raph to the ground. "Rope!" he hissed at Mikey as he fought to keep the mystery turtle pinned.

For some reason, scarring images of Don and Karai in compromising positions came to mind as Mikey pulled out some conveniently stored ninja rope from…somewhere. It was ninja rope; it didn't need an explanation where it came from. The not-Raph was quickly secured and the three turtles surveyed the ENEMY.

"He…looks a lot like Leo," Mikey commented at last. "Which is weird because he was looking a lot uglier before when I thought he was Raph."

"What do you mean he looks like Leo?" Raph demanded, "I was going to say he looks like you."

"There's definitely a Don-ish cast to his features," Leo muttered.

Violet glanced between the turtles. "He looks like all of you actually," she said, "It's like a…trick of the eye, one second he looks like Hotness, the next it's Monkey Boy."

Ignoring his brothers' sniggers at the nickname, Leo pointed a katana at the mystery turtle's throat. "Who are you?" he snapped.

Despite the blade, the turtle shrugged unconcernedly, "I'm the manifestation of all your supressed sexual urges."

"You-what?" Leo demanded incredulously after several minutes of stupefied silence.

The captive sighed. "Turtles have a ridiculously high sex drive. The four of you however, have been forced into a state of celibacy and as a consequence have a lot of pent up urges. So much that I manifested from them. I go around and knock up as many women as I can, in accordance to your instincts and kinks. By the way, he's not entirely aware of this but Raph totally finds this whole bondage thing sexually arousing. The longer I stay tied up, the more I want to have fun with some rope and Violet."

After a moment's pause, the turtle added in afterthought, "You may call me Benjamin."


	6. So adorable there's an OC fifth turtle

TMNT are not mine.

Crack. Like, extreme crack. Delving into the area of not-being crack and more WTF is this? Um yeah. Lots of talk about sex. And penises. And more sex. It's kinda disturbing. I don't know where it came from. My brain was in a strange place. Somehow I never imagined that I'd create an OC fifth turtle this way. I tweaked the rating just to be safe.

* * *

><p>"Let me get this straight," Leo said, "You…were formed from our repressed sexual energy. And you've managed to father three hundred and fifty nine babies?"<p>

"You have a lot of sexual energy," Benjamin replied coolly, "Emphasis on A LOT."

"Bu-but why?" Leo asked, sagging wearily to the floor. It was a lie! He didn't want kids! He didn't want sex! He was Leonardo the Pure! Sex was beneath him! This was all his brothers' fault!

"Sex tends to equal babies," the manifestation answered with the tone of someone talking to an ignorant person.

"But how?" Mikey piped up.

Benjamin glanced at him, shifting slightly against the rope. "How what?"

"How did your spiritual sperm impregnate all those women? In fact, how do women conceive babies that are half human and half turtle anyway?"

"Actually," Violet began in a thoughtful tone, "There is no scientific reason for a turtle's sperm to fertilize a human egg. No matter how mutated you are, the simple fact remains that our DNA is completely incompatible. The zygote would be unviable and the pregnancy would terminate before it even began. The only organisms capable of bearing a mutant turtle would have to be another mutant turtle."

The turtles blinked at her. "Where did that come from?" Mikey muttered.

"I'm a scientist," Violet giggled.

"I thought you were a ninja," Raph accused.

"I'm a ninja and a scientist," she replied airily. "I had lots of spare time."

"She looks mighty fine when she wears that lab coat," Benjamin added.

"Shut up," Raph growled, reaching down to smack the manifestation.

Unperturbed, Benjamin cocked an eye-ridge, "I don't feel pain," he said, "All I feel is raging lust and the urge to spread my seed as far as possible. But keep hitting me if you will. I'm sure I can get off that as well."

With a snarl, Raph backed away. "I vote we kill this guy."

"You can't kill me; I exist as long as you guys have supressed sexual urges."

"Are you saying the only way to get rid of you is to go off and have sex with someone?" Mikey asked gleefully, inching away.

Leo's hand fell heavily on his shoulder. "No," the katana wielder said firmly, "We are not going to do that. That sounds incredibly irresponsible."

"Dude, come on! Having sex with someone to get rid of the enemy? How can you not go for this?"

"I just want to kill this smarmy bastard," Raph growled, "It's pretty hard to kill a person when you're having sex with someone."

"No, no," Mikey protested, "We're ninjas! Killing people is, like our speciality. I'm pretty sure we could kill a person while having sex. Right Leo?"

The blue banded turtle narrowed his eyes as he considered the question. "I don't…think s-"

"I mean, you're a super ninja!" his brother wheedled, "You have mad ninja skillz that the Ancient One taught you. You could do it, right?"

Leo huffed at the challenge of his ninjitsu skills, "Hu-yeah, of course I could," he said confidently. After all, he was Leonardo, all things ninja!

"Prove it," Mikey dared, staring his brother down. "I dare you bro, prove it!"

"Alright fine!" Leo snapped, "I bet you I could do it!"

"I bet you I could kill five people while having sex with someone," Mikey quickly bragged.

"Oh, you are so on!"

Benjamin nudged Raph's foot as the two turtles stared each other down. "That one's got a lot of weird kinks," the manifestation mumbled, "I'm actually kind of disturbed by them."

"Mikey?"

"No. Leo. Say, Violet's right, you are kind of hot."

Shooting his brothers (who were ignoring what was going on) a horrified glance, Raph reached down and smacked Benjamin again. "Shut the fuck up!"

"Oooh, hit me again! I like it!"

"Raph, what are you doing with the manifestation of our sexual urges?" Leo asked, briefly glancing at the two.

Raph froze and Benjamin's head popped up beside him, "Do you have any idea how hot your brother is?" Benjamin asked.

"Which one of you is sexually attracted to me?" Raphael hissed furiously,

"Dude, have you looked at your face lately?" Mikey asked, "That's definitely not what I consider sexy."

"Raph, I love you but only as a brother and even then it's a strained, sometimes I want to kill you, you asshole, kind of brotherly love," Leo replied.

The three turtles fell silent as they considered this. "Don is sexually attracted to Raph?" Leo mumbled, a look of horror spreading across his face.

"No way! To RAPH?" Mikey protested. "I mean, if he was going to be attracted to one of us, you'd think he'd pick one of the good looking turtles but-RAPH?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Benjamin cut in cheerfully, "Think about it. Animals are attracted to other members of the same species. And male and female turtles don't look very different. There is always going to be a basic level of sexual attraction between all of you."

"Killing him. Now. Someone needs to kill him," Raph groaned.

"I'm curious about how we conceived children," Violet piped up from the dark corner she'd spent most of this conversation in. "As Mikey said; it's spectral sperm. How does that work?"

The manifestation frowned thoughtfully. "You know, I have no idea," he said brightly, "The babies are total miracles. But you could come over here and untie me and we could try to find out together."

Raph stomped (rather redundantly) on Benjamin's foot. "Oooh, don't be jealous Raph!" Benjamin said in a flirty tone. "We could have a threesome!"

"I hate you," the turtle informed him.

"So Leo," Mikey said, deciding that the conversation had really, really degenerated into topics he didn't want to go down, "Do you want to start that contest?"

Leo raised an eye-ridge cockily, "Are you ready to lose Mikey?"

The orange-banded turtle snorted and puffed confidently. "I'm ready to-HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT?"

He pointed a finger at the bottom of Benjamin's plastron where something was, was-

"THE FUCK IS THAT?" Raph jerked away from the manifestation, a disturbed look on his face.

"That is my penis," Benjamin said calmly. "Warned you about the ropes, didn't I?"

"It's not supposed to be there!" Leo squeaked, incredibly creeped out and crossing his legs just in case his own suddenly decided to vacate his tail and move there for some strange reason.

"And it's so small!" Mikey exclaimed with a hint of laughter in his voice.

His two brothers shot him dirty looks as they gestured helplessly at the strange organ.

"Well, I didn't want to have the same trouble you guys were having so I moved things around," Benjamin said with a dismissive shrug. "You have no right to laugh when your monster dicks are keeping you from getting laid."

"Just put it away. Please," Leo begged. If the weird location wasn't enough, the fascinated look on Violet's face was going to give him nightmares from life. No, just the knowledge that a mutant turtle has a penis in their PLASTRON was going to give him nightmares.

"Can't," the manifestation grunted.

"Don't tell me that, put it away!" Raph hissed disgustedly.

"CAN'T!" Benjamin emphasised. "Donny boy is having a good time. I'll go down when he goes down."

"Cover it with your legs or something!" Raph glanced around the alley for anything to shield the offending organ from view.

Benjamin crossed his legs over, paused for a second, then obnoxiously spread his legs out even further, rendering the three turtles blind. Raph finally managed to locate a plastic bag and he quickly covered the manifestation's lower plastron and dragged Violet's curious hand away from him.

"Don's jacking off?" Mikey closed his eyes, looking immensely sickened. "I didn't need to know that."

"Well he can't, he's looking after all those kids!" Leo exclaimed, flipping open his shell cell. "That's incredibly irresponsible."

"Dude, you're gonna call him when he's jacking off?" Mikey asked, numbly wandering further down the alleyway away from the others to protect the fragile remains of his sanity.

Leo paused, glanced down at his phone as he considered calling his brother. Eventually, he placed the shell cell back on his belt. "I'll call him when he's finished."

"He's actually having sex with Karai," Benjamin said, just as a shudder went through him and his skin lost its faint olive hue. "Ah…that's better, they're done now."

"HE'S WHAT?" Leo flipped his shell cell open and immediately dialled his brother's number.

As Leo waited for Don to answer, Benjamin shot Raph a saucy wink. "Hey hotness, want me to give you a ride?"

"Leo?" Don's voice sounded a tad out of breath.

"Don, where are you?" Leo said, as Raph began to strangle Benjamin.

The manifestation gave an odd screech before he began to groan, "Oh yeah baby! That's exactly how I like it!"

"…What's going on there Leo?" Don asked.

"Don, are you anywhere in the near vicinity of Karai and does she have her clothes on?" Leo demanded.

"…No? Er, yes, er I'm nowhere near Karai and her clothes are- how would I know whether she had clothes on or not?"

"You're in the Foot tower with Karai aren't you?" Leo sighed, watching Raph's continued strangling attempt and wincing as Benjamin's moans became increasingly excited.

"Um yeah, but about that voice in the background-"

"Ignore that, that's just the manifestation of all our sexual desires that Raph is attempting to strangle. Why did you have-"

"Not Don's anymore!" Benjamin abruptly exclaimed, shacking the oxygen deprivation induced pleasure from his head.

"What?" Raph released him in shock.

"Don just had sex with Karai so like, all the energy from his pent up desires has gone. He's no longer a part of me now."

"Who is that?" Don asked snippily, "How did he know about that? And what's all this talk about manifesting sexual energy?"

"What do you mean- WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK ABOUT YOU HAVING SEX WITH KARAI?" Leo roared.

Leo stepped away from the group as he began to argue furiously over the phone. "So," Mikey said, materialising beside Violet. "Having sex does take away your energy right?"

Benjamin nodded calmly. "Oh yes, I'll disappear once you all go off and bop someone. Of course, I'll come back if you don't make it a regular habit."

"Well, it looks like Leo's gonna be busy with Don for a while, I'm going to start that competition of ours in the mean-"

Mikey gave a startled yelp as Leo swung round, hand closing on Mikey's wrist. He pulled the phone away and glared at Mikey, "You are not going to sleep with as many random women as you can and kill people! You are coming with me to pick up Don! Raph, take Benjamin and Violet back to the lair, we'll deal with this later!"

Leo dragged his brother from the alleyway and for a few moments, the remaining three people stood in silence. "So uh," Benjamin shifted awkwardly against the rope, "You guys want to have that threesome?"


	7. So adorable they will rule the world

TMNT= Not mine. It's been ages. Personally, I blame Tauni for dragging me out into another fandom. Er. The usual warnings about how babies are made and what not. Crack. Miracle babies and pregnancies. Insanity. Enjoy.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seven<strong>

**So adorable they will rule the world**

It took Leo and Mikey about twenty minutes to roofhop to the Foot tower. Leo had complained bitterly the entire way there.

"How could Don have slept with Karai!"

"They both have more honour that that! What were they thinking?"

"Karai is the enemy! I can't believe he'd sleep with her! She must have drugged him!"

"Did he sound drugged out to you?" Mikey asked, inwardly fuming at the damage Leo had done to his wrist when he'd dragged him off to pick up Don.

"….No," Leo muttered sullenly. For a few moments he was blissfully silent and then he piped up indignantly, "Why would Karai want to sleep with Don anyway?"

"Don's a manwhore," Mikey replied wisely, "That's just their nature. You should be happy anyway."

Leo swelled angrily, "Happy? What is there to be happy about this situation?"

"Well, he got laid!" his brother said cheerfully, "That's like, pretty awesome, given that we were planning to spend the rest of our lives as virgins. Also, he took back his energy from Benjamin the turtle slut, so we're a quarter way through getting rid of the guy already!"

"But he did it with Karai!"

"Well, name any other human female that we know. Gotta say our options are pretty limited, cuz I love April like a sister not to mention there's Casey to think about. Karai is pretty much it."

Leo froze at his words, Mikey continued for a couple of steps then realised his brother had decided to mentally vacate the premises. "Bro, what is your issue with Karai? Is this the whole I-must-defend-my-father's-honour-thing again?" he asked, watching Leo twitch mindlessly for a few minutes. "Hey. You're ignoring the Mikester, which is completely uncool. Leo? Leeeo? Bro?"

Mikey rocked back on his heels as he contemplated his brother. "Or is this about the crush you totally don't have on Karai?" he asked, brightly. "Now you're super pissed cuz your bro and your potential love interest did it behind your back, right?"

The words seemed to jar Leo back to the living. "Don't be ridiculous," Leo monotoned flatly. "I have just remembered that Karai and I had a game of Halo arranged for tonight and something tells me neither of us are going to be able to make it."

The nunchuck wielder blinked. "Is _that_ who xxxBushidotothefacexxx is!" he snapped his fingers in realization. "So, your problem is that Don did Karai, your gamer buddy, not Karai in general."

Leo's beak twisted in sullen resentment. "If Don kills my gaming life, there will be lots of pain."

* * *

><p>"That….was incredibly quick," Don muttered in confusion as he stood by the door of Karai's bedroom.<p>

"The sex or the pregnancy?" Karai questioned as she gazed down on the face of her newborn turtle hybrid.

"Oh, definitely the pregnancy, I mean, I'd only just left the bed and got over here when you went into labour." Don rocked backwards on his feet then carefully retreated from the room. "It doesn't make sense. Why isn't the baby horribly deformed? Why is it even alive? How come the gestation only took TEN SECONDS?"

He would have received a ninja star in the face for these questions but he'd very sensibly placed a wall between Karai and himself. "If it's not too much of a bother, I don't suppose you'd mind if I could run some experim-"

A blade slice through the wall beside Donatello's head and he quickly desisted with that line of questioning. How exactly the blade managed to cut through very solid, reinforced metal was a question best left unanswered but various sources attributed the many mystic properties of a 'ninja blade' as the most probable answer. If the sword was capable of reflecting weapon fire, it damn well was capable of cutting whatever material it wanted to when it put its mind to it, no matter what physics said on the matter.

"We," Karai's voice was a deadly, menacing whisper, "Have concluded our business here. You have got what you wanted; you are a master ninja now. My men will not stand a chance against you the next time we battle (she received a condescending snort for that comment, as if they'd ever stood a chance against any of the turtles). I will take my child and raise him to enjoy the fine art of stamp collecting. You will leave now and never bother the two of us again. No one shall bother my child, NO ONE!"

"O-okay," Donatello agreed amiably. He took a step back-

"And tell Leonardo that I'm afraid our Halo games are on infinite hold in the foreseeable future."

Determined not to dwell on that particular ominous note Don retreated from her room, politely nodding in acknowledgement as he passed a troop of Foot ninjas playing with a Lego set and, as he turned down the next hallway, was promptly body slammed and dragged into an empty room by a pair of mysterious assailants.

"Donatello Hamato, what the shell is going on here?" his eldest brother demanded furiously as Mikey fiddled with the lock to ensure some temporary privacy.

"Which version do you want?" Don asked woozily. "The one that makes sense or the one that doesn't?"

"The one that makes sense please," Michelangelo chimed in pleasantly.

Donatello glared balefully in response. "There isn't one. What were you guys going on about when you called me?"

"Never mind that, why were you having sex with Karai?" Leo demanded.

"She asked," he replied flatly.

"And you….just said yes?" the katana wielding turtle was looking rather ill at the situation.

"Would you have said no?" Don retorted. His brothers exchanged a long glance as they thought it over and eventually shook their heads. Boys would be boys regardless of whether said boys were giant mutated turtles apparently. "I thought so. Look, Karai actually wanted _you_ to father her mutant abnormality but she couldn't find you so any problems you have with this situation are all your fault."

"My fault?" Leo spluttered in confusion. "How the heck does that even work?"

"Well, you wouldn't be having any problems with your actions had you been the one to sleep with her, would you now?" Don pointed out logically.

As Leo muttered choked on indignant confusion, Mikey sneaked closer to Don. "How did it go, bro?" he asked conspiratorially.

"Well let's put it this way, Karai is damn lucky she's a ninja because I doubt humans are able to contort naturally in the way required to get the whole thing to work."

"Hrrng, well that just shot down a great deal of the population as compatible. By the way, Leo and I have a bet about whether or not we could kill people while having sex. What do you think?"

"That it sounds very irresponsible? In fact, speaking of Leo, Karai had a message for him-"

"TURTLES!" boomed the Shredder as he carefully but dramatically opened the door which he'd spent the last half a second lock-picking. Why the Foot headquarters still relied on locks and keys when they had access to Utrom technology was just part of the various inexplicable phenomena that occurred in the building.

Instantly, the aforementioned reptiles were on the defensive, weapons drawn, muscles tensing in preparation to-

"Is that a baby turtle?" Leonardo inquired in polite confusion at the sight of Athena perched precariously on the Shredder's helmet.

The Shredder carefully retrieved his adopted daughter. "Athena wished to see her uncles," he explained calmly, passing the adorable, giggling turtle to Michelangelo.

"Why hello there!" Mikey exclaimed delightedly, tickling the turtle's plastron, causing Athena to squirm with delight. He paused and thought for a moment, "Don? Would a turtle's plastron be ticklish?"

"Mikey, when it comes to these babies, I've learnt that I'm just going to have to accept whatever the hell is going on. Athena's telepathic, apparently. And I think we have her to thank for the Shredder's vastly improved disposition."

"You are not attacking us," Leonardo observed blandly, ignoring his brother's banter behind him. He stared suspiciously at the Shredder, still dressed in his frilly pink apron.

"No, I'm not," the Shredder affirmed amiably.

"Why not?"

"It isn't good matters to attack guests in one's home."

Leo blinked slowly and slightly backed away from the Shredder. "You do realize we invaded your house, right?" he said in the slow tone one adopts when speaking to someone not entirely there mentally. "That makes us intruders, not guests."

"You are also family," the Shredder continued, completely ignoring Leonardo's statement.

"We are-WHAT?"

"Athena is my adoptive child and Donatello is Athena's biological father. He has also fathered a child with Karai. We are kin now, Leonardo Hamato. Feel free to refer to me in any sort of familial sense. I personally would love it if you called me Uncle Shredder."

"Don. Mikey," Leo said loudly, before he could be further traumatized. "We are leaving. Right now."

"But you haven't had a chance to hold Athena!" the Shredder protested. "And I so wanted to go over with my plans to redecorate Foot headquarters with Michelangelo, Athena tells me you have an eye for art."

"She can't even talk!" Leo protested, feel his sanity slip away at the sheer wrongness of the situation on so many levels.

"She's a telepathic baby, get with the program Leo, geez," Michelangelo stuck his tongue impudently. "Who's a creepily intelligent, mind controlling baby, huh?" he cheerfully hoisted Athena in the air, caught her and peered closely at her face. "She's so adorable…" Mikey's voice trailed off as he stared deep into her eyes.

The Shredder pouted. The expression was entirely ineffective given that no one could see his face. "And we haven't even had time for tea and biscuits. This is so rude, Leonardo!"

"There, there," Dontello gave the Shredder a consolatory pat on the shoulder, "I'm sure we can come around another time and visit. We'll even call in advance. How does that sound?"

With a reluctant sigh, the Shredder retrieved the baby turtle from Michelangelo. "I suppose I'll have to let you go. I think it's all too much of a shock to Leonardo. Bring him around when he has had time to adjust to the idea of being family."

"We will," Mikey chirped cheerfully, just as Don dragged both him and the shell shocked Leo from the room.

"Pull yourself together Leo," Don hissed as they hurried down the hallway to the lifts. "Don't you see what's happening?"

"Don, the only thing that I know is happening is that the world officially is ending and I'm going insane."

"We have just been given the tools to defeat all our enemies. All we need to do is give them our magical babies and let them brainwash our enemies into stupidity. We will be unstoppable!"


	8. So adorable the turtles will make more

TMNT= Not mine. It's waay too long. Hopefully there's one more chapter to finish this then I can work on my more serious stuff. The usual warnings about how babies are made and what not. Crack. Extreme crack. Crack over 9000. Miracle babies and pregnancies. Insanity.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eight<strong>

**So adorable they bypass forming a proper immune response**

Once upon a time, the sewers used to be prime real estate. The dank, murky, dirty depths of human hygienic depravity were an untouched frontier that the four turtles and their master had tamed to call their home. The noxious fumes and overall ick factor was enough to keep most sane humans away on general principle. It was a haven for the five mutants and anyone else looking to live below the radar.

But now, it had been invaded. Scores of mutant turtle babies with their strange mothers (both turtle and human) had spread across the entire system like some sort of bizarre misplaced children's day out. Despite the fact the sewers were ground zero for various forms of bacteria and the babies shouldn't have developed an adequate immune response, all of the infants were the very picture of health. If, of course, the picture of health featured half turtle-half human mutants.

Never had the turtles approached the lair with such trepidation. Despite their best stealth attempts, the many invaders would inevitably catch sight of them and then a furious game of GTFAFM would commence as the women attempted to force various…intimacies on the turtles.

"I swear," Leo panted as they dodged down a passageway, "That there weren't as many of them before."

"It's like a disease," Don muttered, "A nasty horrible fungal infection that just won't. Stop. Spreading."

"Well," Mikey drawled as they dashed through the sewers, "I could have sworn that all the babies were _inside_ the lair when we left. I think they're spontaneously breeding out here."

Don's eyes took on a pinched look. "That's not…how it works, Mikey."

"I'm pretty sure mutant human-turtles babies are not how it works, either," Michelangelo fired back.

As they narrowly avoided another patrol of lustful, half-naked women Leo wondered, "How DID Raph get past all these women?"

It was a terrible thought.

The three brothers eventually stumbled home, exhausted and mentally scarred from an overdose of naked women. After pilling all the furniture in the living room behind the lair's door to form a blockade, they decided to take stock of their situation.

"Master Splinter isn't here," Leo noted. "All the babies and turtle women are gone. Where IS RAPHAEL?"

A muffled thump sounded from said brother's room. The three turtles hustled up the stairs and then burst dramatically through Raphael's door.

They then immediately wished they thought through that course of action and had voted firmly against it.

"That..."Leo desperately looked elsewhere, "Is a dishonourable use of the manriki-gusari."

"That is a torturous use of physics and animal anatomy," Don retorted as he quickly stepped back out of the doorway.

Leo and Mikey were quick to join him. "How did-"

"No."

"But, really how-"

"No, Mikey."

"Seriously, we can't-"

"Drop it, Mikey!"

With a sullen frown, Mikey crossed his arms and glared at his brothers, "Alright, how bout this? Where are Violet and Benjamin?"

"I don't want to think about it," Leo muttered, "Especially after seeing THAT."

Unbidden, the memories returned and the turtles shared a collective shudder. "We're going to have to go in there," Don reasoned reluctantly.

"No, we do not," Leonardo spoke up quickly.

"Yes we do. He's the only one who might have the slightest clue what is going on."

"Well, I'm not going."

"LEO. We are going to have go in there and untie him."

"NO."

After fifteen minutes of negotiation, it was decided it would be a team effort. Eyes carefully averted, they freed Raphael of various indescribable paraphernalia that are best left to the imagination. Raph endured it all in a silent, slow-burning rage.

"So," Mikey started when it was finally over, "What, er, happened here?"

Raph's eye twitched once. "We got back to the lair. Benjamin and Violet ambushed me. Tied me up with my own godamn manriki. Then they did kinky stuff."

"What _kind _of kinky stuff?" Michelangelo asked curiously.

"They _tied _me up. I don't think I need to go into further detail."

"How did you get passed all the…uh, ladies outside?" Donatello asked.

"That asshole promised sexual favours in return for safe passage. 'S why he isn't in here right now."

"And the babies?"

Raph reached out and yanked a goopy note off his shell that none of his brothers had been brave enough to touch. "After Benjamin and Violet left, one of them crawled in and said, 'We're going to go live with Uncle Bishop, here's a picture of all my daddies, see ya!'"

"They aren't old enough to speak!" Leo protested.

"Tell that to the brats. Oh and after that, Master Splinter came in, said he couldn't handle this and had contacted the Utroms via the astral plane and was leaving for their home-world."

"He-what!"

"I didn't even know the Utroms could reach the astral plane," Michelangelo muttered, "They were all big on the science side of things and not so much the mystical."

"This is insane," Leo said. "I don't-what are we going to do to fix this? We have to stop Benjamin from impregnating those women; the sewers can't possibly hide them all. And you!" he rounded on Donatello fiercely, "The same goes to you! No more babies!"

"Are we sure about that Leo?" Don asked. "Did you not see the effect Athena had the Shredder? She brainwashed him into being our in-law. And he was nice. Nice, Leo! He wanted to give us tea and biscuits, not maim and dismember us."

"Don, please tell me you're not thinking of allowing this to continue. How can we live top secret lives when those mutant babies are practically lining every pipe of the sewers? Pretty soon they will start appearing top-side and someone will notice."

Donatello set his jaw stubbornly. "I'm just saying that we should fully consider all the pros and cons of this situation before making any decisions."

"I'm in favour of the whole use-our-babies-to-pacify-our-enemies-into-friends," Mikey spoke up quickly, "Provided of course, I get to have a hand in creating those babies and it doesn't get out of control. But Benjamin? He's a bit of asshole and far too oversexed and irresponsible to be making babies."

Ignoring the earth shattering weirdness of Michelangelo calling someone else irresponsible (a dire situation, indeed), Leo said, "And you don't think that's a neglectful way of taking care of the brats?"

"I don't think you understand the situation. They can read our brains, can write and talk. I mean, Athena made her way to the Shredder and brainwashed him all by herself and the ones that were in here took off for Bishop. Quite frankly, if they didn't want to, we have no way of actually enforcing that they did. They could just brainwash us into thinking they're hanging out with Hun and the Purple Dragons but are actually off stealing candy and toys from the shops and we'd never know the difference."

"Alright, fine," conceding victory to Mikey left a strange taste in Leonardo's mouth. He analysed it a bit and discovered it was the taste of Talcum powder. He quickly decided he didn't want to know. "Any ideas about Benjamin?"

Three of the turtles focused their attentions on the one who was yet to voice an opinion. "Raph?"

"I say we waste the fucker," the dark look in Raphael's eyes said he had not forgotten nor forgiven the transgression committed against him with his own manriki.

"Ookay, I hate to be the one to inject a logical rebuttal but he _is_ a manifestation of our repressed sexual energy. That might make it difficult to inflict grievous, fatal damage on him," Mikey pointed out. "I mean when you choked him, you did nothing but turn him on. And if we _did _actually kill him, would that mean we're killing our sex drive? That might screw up our world domination via baby plan. And our ability to achieve boners."

For several long minutes the turtles contemplated their situation. It wasn't the first time they'd come up against an invulnerable enemy but it was definitely the strangest invulnerable enemy they had ever had the misfortune to encounter. Normally a last second plan would present itself and ensure victory but with the current lack of danger and adrenaline overdose, the turtles found it difficult to think of a solution that didn't include the easy (and downright bizarre) option and resorted to shooting each other awkward accusatory glances at each other for their failure.

Until…

Leo heaped a sigh and glanced at his brothers, "Alright guys. I guess we're going to have lose our virginities to get rid of him."


	9. So adorable it ends with an bang

TMNT is not mine.

We now return you to your regular program. I've finally finished this. Crack and craziness.

* * *

><p>Benjamin was engaged in a…vigorous bout of intimacy with one of the many beautiful sewer dwelling women when he suddenly felt an existence wrenching hollowness. "Oh," he said, freezing as all his enthusiasm left him. "Oh, looks like things are calming down. Weeel, that's a pity."<p>

He hopped to his feet and headed for the door. "Farewell my lovely, it was a brief and lustful romance we had but it was entirely physical."

"Benjamin, you can't stop now!" his companion complained with frustration.

"Alas, I'm no longer possessed with the horniness of four repressed turtles. I'm like a mayfly, it was a good existence, short but lots of babies were made and now I am dying. Allow me some dignity, I wish to die in peace in a place of my choosing. I'm going to melt and I don't want your last memories of me to be traumatizing."

The blue haired beauty reached out to the departing turtle. "Benjamin! Surely there is no better place to die than in the arms of a lover," she smiled pleasantly and it was like the sun was shining.

"Actually," Benjamin said, snapping out of his poetic mood, "I'd really much rather die on my own. You are bit too perfect to be real and as something that doesn't really exist, I would much rather spend my last moment taking in reality. I didn't really have an opportunity before; I was too focused on deflowering as many mysterious girls as I could."

His latest (and last) mysterious girl grabbed him and pulled him to the ground, resting his head on her bosom to smother his protests. The turtle struggled weakly but was too weak to escape. It would have been picturesque had the two lovers not been lying on a filthy mattress on the sewer floor.

Minutes passed. Then hours went past and Benjamin did not melt away. It was pure torture as his partner had chosen to sing a soothing lullaby and she was horribly off tune. Finally, the four original turtles approached. Benjamin managed to push his beautiful companion away at last and scrambled up onto his feet towards them.

"I," he announced with great disappointment, "Was supposed to melt back into non-existence. It was going to be spectacular."

Leonardo heaved a sigh. "We thought something like this might happen, our lives are not _that_ lucky. But it's okay, we already decided on what to do."

Benjamin brightened. "Really? I was _so_ worried, I have no idea how to live in the real world and I don't know any ninjitsu at all, I thought you guys were going to throw me out."

"Oh we won't," Raphael said with a satisfied smirk, "We have a few thousand babies that you fathered. Someone is going to have to take care of them and that someone is you."

"And you are also going to have wear this," Donatello brandished a strange looking object at Benjamin. "I'll have you know, I made it myself."

"It was our back-up plan," Mikey said. "I mean, getting laid was fun and everything but our plan A never works."

Benjamin examined the object, unsure what it was but horror was slowly rising up inside him. "This? What is this?"

"It's a chastity belt," Leo informed him. "You will wear this for the rest of your life."

The metaphysical entity in front of them exploded violently. Light erupted from every pore as Benjamin disintegrated in a flashy kaleidoscope of colours. At last it ended and a shower of rose petals floated to the ground.

"Oh good," Raphael sighed with relief. "It worked."

"We still have all those babies and women to deal with," Donatello reminded him.

"Bishop," Leonardo said, "We are give them to Bishop."

"And Splinter is on the Utrom homeworld," Mikey pointed out.

"We'll trade them to Bishop and get a spaceship off him," Leo said. "We'll move in with the Utroms, so we'll be far away from this planet. Everything is going to work out just fine."

And it did.


End file.
